I love my dog. I love the relationship we have and I love how ridiculous he is. Kyu is a lot of fun. But I also hate that he is chronically ill. I’ve been trying to manage his IBD for 2 years now. It’s a lot better than it was but he’s still not 100%. I can’t get him to stay stable and so he’s often not feeling his best. It’s been a long time since he felt great for any length of time. This makes him less fun to be around when he doesn’t have the desire to do anything. When he’s chronically underweight. When he refuses to eat food for weeks at a time.
He’s under the care of a great internal medicine doctor and I’ve been in contact with her about everything so that’s not the issue. We’re on the next option for treating his disease, antibiotics, but I worry that is bound for failure as well. And how long do I wait to determine if it’s working or not? It’s incredibly frustrating.
What’s most frustrating, however, is I feel cheated. Like I can’t have “my dog.” Kyu is doing well enough. He goes on walks and hikes. He chases squirrels. He plays with his dog friends. He does some training (mostly just PT work at this point). But he’s not himself. He doesn’t play much. He sleeps a lot. I’ve had times where I’ve caught glimpses of who he is but they’re infrequent and they don’t last. I feel robbed of this wonderful dog because of his disease. I don’t even care about his future in dog sports; I just want my buddy healthy.
It doesn’t help either that the world is still on lockdown. Moods are low. Anxiety and depression high. It makes it much easier to ruminate and feel disappointed about my dog’s current state. Why can’t he just be healthy? What did I do to deserve two chronically ill dogs back to back? If my next dog is chronically ill, will I give up on owning dogs altogether?
I’m hopeful I can get Kyu back to 100% again (or at least like 98%). I owe him that. He deserves to be happy. Even if life isn’t fair.